elbasztam. en.
- Részletek
- Írta: éjszárny zöldi
kurva sokat gondolkozom azon, hogy én baszom e el a dolgokat. hogy tényleg rajtam múlik e ez a pusztulas körben, az életemben, a munkahelyemben, a zenében, bármiben...
aki a végeredményt látja, nyilván azt hiszi, én kapásból gondolom, hogy más a hibás.
igazából nem. mármint nem kapásból jön ez,
ott kezdõdik, hogy magamat vádolom, újra, aztán újra és újra gondolom az egészet. keresem mit kellett volna másképp tennem, egyáltalán mit tehettem volna másképp.
a többséggel ellentétben, én akarom magamat hibásnak látni, egyszerûen azért,
mert ha én basztam el, ha csak rajtam múlik az, ha valami félremegy, akkor tudok változtatni, mert nekem kellene változnom, minden más ok már másoké - oda már nem elég ha én belátom.
nem jó ez így, keresem a kiutat, és találok olyat, amit máshogy kellett volna nekem tennem, de milyen dolgok ezek?
nõk tûnnek el, barátok válnak ellenséggé, emberek melletted idegenek lesznek.
átbasznak zsinórban egy párszor, a pofádba hazudnak, és amikor megkérdezed jó ez így, ezt így kéne? hát annyi marad meg, hogy neked valami nem tetszett. ez megy, elmondod harmincszor, es amikor mégis újra ugyanugy megy, elkap az ideg és falhoz vágsz valamit. aztán körülötted ez marad; falhoz vágtál valamit. te, az állat.
hibáztál?
persze, nem kell falhoz vágnod, nem kell belefaradva az egészbe engedni az indulatnak, nem old meg semmit.
megbántad?
igen.
számít?
nem.
és gondold végig újra az egészet, vedd bele azt is, hogy a harmincegyedik alkalommal hiba volt kiakadnod. mi a vége? hibáztál, igen, de a te hibád, hogy eljutottál idáig? egyszer eltörik valami az emberben, ha nem harminc után, akkor ötven, vagy száz, nem az sáros aki eddig hajszol? nem mentségkeresés, hiszen tudod, hol hibáztál, de volt kiutad?
egyáltalán számít ez?
kiutálnak, mert megmondod a véleményed, szóvá teszed azt, amit igaszságtalannak érzel. néha keményen, de kimondod. kiutálnak, megtörnek, persze, a te hibád, hogy nem hazudsz inkább szépen,
de most komolyan, nézz körül, nézd meg mi megy körülötted, nézd meg mi megy ebben a szaros, szánalmas országban.
nem kellenének azok az emberek, akik kimondják azt, amit nem jónak éreznek, még ha pont a te önérzeted is sérti éppen? jutottunk volna idáig, ha többen tennénk így?
igen, hibáztam.
nem ott, hogy úgy éreztem, ha valakit barátnak, embernek, értelmesnek, hozzám közel állónak éreztem, azzal õszinte akartam lenni, mert tartottam ennyire, hanem ott,
hogy így, túl a harmincötön, még mindig nem tudom, hogy lehetne ezt úgy, hogy ezt a másik is értse.
hibáztam,
hibázok ott, hogy már nem akarom megváltani a világot, hanem leszarom, veszek egy mély levegõt és nem szólok, mert fáradt vagyok nyilvánvaló dolgokért küzdeni.
és nekem, nekünk, mindenkinek aki megérti ez miért nem jó így,
ez kötelességünk lenne.
mert az értelem nem csak átok, nem csak szerencse és nem csak teher, kötelesség is,
nekünk kellene jobbá tenni ezt a világot.
éjszárny-hírlevél
Támogatás
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tisztelt látogató, ezúton szeretnélek megkérni,hogy ha tetszik amit itt találtál,és van rá lehetőséged,akkor támogasd az oldal működését,tetszőleges pénzadománnyal illetve megosztással.ez sokat segítene abban, hogy az oldal továbbra is tudjon működni,és minél több írás, kép, zene születhessen.ha nem tudod, az sem gond, amíg az oldal működik, továbbra is ingyenes marad. a támogatási lehetőségeket IDE KATTINTVA tudod megtekinteni. köszönettel, éjszárny
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Legfrissebbek...
- Isten valójában és a helyünk a világban...
- Hosszúszőrű akita - Shizu képek :)
- animgif
- Verseskötet - kell vagy nem?
- estvér - meztelenül
- meztelenül
- estvér - csendes eső
- csendes eső - lilinek
- estvér - zápor
- majdnem ott
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- szabó lőrinc - tenger - megzenésített vers
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