éjszárny (bán andrás) - megint egy év

megint mintha álmodnék olyan nehéz a csend.
nem jutottam ekõrébb, de még mélyebben, még tehetetlenül.
megint eltelt egy év, mert megint elszorított a karácsony és a szilveszter, ahogy a torkomra csavarta a magány kötelét.
még vártalak. még fájt hogy nem jössz. még mindent átitatott a hiányod.
még mindig nem tudod mit gondolok. még mindig nem érdekel. még mindig nem látsz, még mindig nem érzel.

én vagyok a hold akit nem lát sem föld, sem nap. hideg pályán keringek a remény körül.
megint eltelt egy év, amikor csak az álmaimban érintettél, nem láttalak, csak tudtam hogy vagy. egyedül ébredtem, de még mindig próbáltam hinni.
neked csak egy év volt, én megint öregedtem a tengeremben. fáradtság, hullámzik bennem az álom. ringat, átölel, és kiszív, mint amikor egy órát ültél a kádban.
megint eltelt egy év ahogy gondolkoztam, megint egy évig figyeltem hideg tudattal ahogyan õrülök, és megint egy év amikor már nem is értem milyen kétségbeesett erõvel tart talpon valami hit, vagy remény, és megint egy év, és hihetetlen hogy még nem estem össze, minden este éveket öregszem.
a füst ahogy álomért sír
kéken és lágyan
ahogy ébren könyörgöm
vissza az eget az ágyban
lehetnék látnok
ha lenne még erõ
ha nem lenne a hajnal
álmatlan magányban hidegen ölelõ
ha nem félnék elaludni is már
még lehetnék álmokban lángoló


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tisztelt látogató,

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...és egy részlet Kerouac Útonjából, csak mert szeretem, és talán mást is eltalál: "Azért mikor kinn ülök a folyó lerobbant rakodópartján napnyugtával, és az ég New Jerseynek nyúló sávját figyelem, és elgondolom, hogy az éggel egyközûen épp ilyen hosszü sáv föld ível a nyugati partig, és a földön út vonul, és az út hossza az álma mindenkinek, és lowában, tudom, a gyerekek ilyenkor sírnak, mert ott nem bánják, ha sír a gyerek, azért ne sírjatok, mondom innen, mert a csillagok feljönnek mindjárt, és nem tudjátok, hogy az Isten Micimackó? az ég pedig odébb a prérire hajlik, és hullajtja rá diadémjait, mikor alig tûzte még a fekete éjszakára, a föld áldására, a folyók csendesítésére, csúcsok sipkájául, és elrejti benne a végsõ part titkát, hogy senki ne tudja, mi lesz, csak az öregedés foszló ruháit tudja..." (Jack Kerouac: Úton)

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