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azért, tudjátok, nem véletlenül hiszem, hogy van sors, és minél többet foglalkozik azzal az ember, hogy megtalálja magát ebben a furcsa szövetben, ami maga az élet, annál többet érez meg belõle... néha megálmodja, néha összerakja az ezernyi darabot, máskor pont visszafejt egy szálat a rengetegben egészen a forrásig... de minden vezet valahova, ahogy el is indul valahonnan, és én azt hiszem, mi épp úgy milliárd apró részbõl vagyunk mint a világ körülöttünk, és talán ahogy a körülöttük lévõ világ szálait vissza tudjuk fejteni a forrásukig - aztán persze a forrást magát is tovább egészen a forrás forrásáig folyva a végtelenbe - egy fát, egy embert, vagy egy eseményt, hát épp úgy vissza tudunk menni a saját darabkáinkon is... én azt hiszem, egy ember nem egész egyedül, csak pont a fele annak ami lehetne. és ha a saját szálaimat visszafejtem a forrásig, vagy tovább a forrásáig, ha kell, vagy még tovább, megtalálom azt a pontot, valahol, talán nagyon messze az idõben, ahol kettészakadtunk, akkor a te szálaid majd elvezetnek egészen hozzád, és végre azt tehetjük amiért vagyunk, és abban élhetünk, amire már csak az álmainkban néha-néha felderengõ érzésben emlékszünk: most jó. szerintem ezért keressük egymást ott belül annyira nyughatatlanul. mióta az eszemet tudom, valahogy érzem, hogy valahol van valaki nekem. pont ahogy én vagyok neki. álmodom, emlékszem az érzésre, de nem emlekszem az arcra. próbálom mindenkibe beleképzelni az álmot, hátha visszanéz rám. egyre jobban közelítek, mindig jobban hasonlít. minden alkalommal jobban fáj, amikor felismerem, hogy nem, csak hasonlít... nem nyughatok, nem tudom ezerévek vagy ezer álom óta kereslek és nem alkuszom, érzem, hogy vagy igen vagy nem, a megalkuvás ebben nem lehetõség egyszerûen nekem nem létezhet ebben. nem lehet félig elveszni, félig lebegni és soha nem lehet csak félig szeretni. az nem az. az megalkuvás, az sumákolás, az hazugság. az az ha a legszebb dolgot amire valaha is vágytam vagy emlékeztem azt törném szét saját magam. menni, próbálni felemelkedni végre, igazán szárnyalni... aztan újra és újra lezuhanni, szarrá törve végigszenvedni azt újra és újra amig meggyõzöd a fáradtságot, hogy dobja el a pihenést a féligben és törött szárnyakkal is menjen tovább és próbáljon újra repülni. menni a végtelenbe veszõ szál után és hinni, mindig hinni, hogy van miért, mert a szál végén végre megérintjük és valósággá tesszük az álmot.
aki mindig megalkuszik mert fél eldobni azt a féléletet az egészért, csak õrületnek látja, nem érti miért kell továbbmenni, vagy néha épp ellenkezõleg, újra és újra megkapni ugyanott egy pofont. én tudom. már azt is, hogy amikor legutoljára a legnagyobbat zuhantam, az azért volt, mert nagyon magasra kellett emelkedni ahhoz, hogy ne ragadjak ott hullafáradtan az azt megelõzõ megalkuvásban, mert ott ragadtam volna, mert majdnem az volt és tul faradt voltam ahhoz, hogy be merjem vallani magamnak azt, hogy igenis tudom, hogy bármennyire is szeretném, a majdnem még nem az, a majdnem tökéletes, az egészen pontosan: nem az. mert vagy egész vagy nem. a majdnem egész az nem létezik, mert azt úgy hívják, hiányos.
én nem akarok egész életemben hiányt érezni, te, akit az álmaimban érezlek és nem tudom ébren ki vagy, te se érezz egész életedben hiányt. mert egymás nélkül ennyit teszünk csak igazából, mindenben érezzük a hiányt is. hosszú ideje megyek az úton, bolyongva egyre tisztábban látom a vonalakat a rengetegben. érzem, hogy egyre közelebb vagyok.
megláttalak. megérintett egy gondolatod. néztelek. láttalak. megérintettél szelíd,szép, szomorkás szemeddel távolról is, átlebeg, hogy ismered milyen, hogy valahogy mindig ott van a valami mintha hiányozna... valahogy csak gondolok rád... vagy veled?
és valahogy azt érzem, mintha te is éreznél valamit, valamit ami ébredezik, mintha mindig is ott lett volna, csak elaludt, mert valamikor, talán áloméletekkel ezelõtt, elszakadt a másik felétõl és így nem tud ébren élni, csak parázslik, hátha valahogy odavonzza az elvesztett másik felét.
egy álom parazsát követem mióta az eszemet tudom, voltam azt hiszem annál forrásnál, megjártam oda, vissza és ide az idõt, a távolság a térben? tudod, mint üveggolyót... :)
megborzongat, hogy talán végre a majdnem eltûnik minden elõl... és ez tõled...
meg akarlak érinteni. érezni akarom az illatod. megsimogatni. tudni akarom megáll e az idõ. tudni akarom, hogy egész vagyunk e. a szemedbe kell néznem, hogy elvarázsolsz-e végleg?
most talan alszol és talán álmodsz... talán érted...

köszönöm a legcsodálatosabb körtécskének ezt a ma esti hangulatot. és szép álmot...

Hozzászólások   

 
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Ez de szép.... Tudod, Zöldi, jó újra ilyeneket olvasni Tőled. :-) Örülök, hogy újra ennyi érzéssel és reménnyel tudsz írni. Bárcsak megtalálnád már végre azt, amit remélsz. No, mielőtt még átmennék nagyon érzelgősbe : Légy boldog! Ennyi. :-)
 
 
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éjszárny-hírlevél

itt tudsz feliratkozni a hírlevélre, nem spam, mindössze a lényeges dolgokról értesítelek rendszertelenül és ritkán (pl letölthető új zene, írás stb)

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...és egy részlet Kerouac Útonjából, csak mert szeretem, és talán mást is eltalál: "Azért mikor kinn ülök a folyó lerobbant rakodópartján napnyugtával, és az ég New Jerseynek nyúló sávját figyelem, és elgondolom, hogy az éggel egyközûen épp ilyen hosszü sáv föld ível a nyugati partig, és a földön út vonul, és az út hossza az álma mindenkinek, és lowában, tudom, a gyerekek ilyenkor sírnak, mert ott nem bánják, ha sír a gyerek, azért ne sírjatok, mondom innen, mert a csillagok feljönnek mindjárt, és nem tudjátok, hogy az Isten Micimackó? az ég pedig odébb a prérire hajlik, és hullajtja rá diadémjait, mikor alig tûzte még a fekete éjszakára, a föld áldására, a folyók csendesítésére, csúcsok sipkájául, és elrejti benne a végsõ part titkát, hogy senki ne tudja, mi lesz, csak az öregedés foszló ruháit tudja..." (Jack Kerouac: Úton)

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