elfúj a szél

néha az ember kénytelen számot vetni az életével. én karácsony környékén mindig így vagyok. ez az az ünnep, amit igazán szerettem volna egyszer. csak úgy boldogan, békés-boldogan. valahogy mindig ez üt mégis a legnagyobb, mert ez sohasem sikerül. menjünk vissza kicsit az idõben, csak pár napot mondjuk. képzelj el egy srácot, mondjuk olyat, aki kicsit legalább hasonlít rám, csak kábé ezer évvel fiatalabb, mondjuk nyitott szívû, aki tudja mit érez.hát, épp ilyen voltam. éppen azt hittem, hogy életem legszebb, legboldogabb karácsonya jön. épp egy ünnep volt, nem karácsony, de a szeretet ünnepe számomra, december 12. a tündér rámnézett, igazán engem látott, és azt mondta, rájött, hogy nem akar elveszíteni, hogy engem akar, hogy biztos bennem, és engem akar, és új életet velem és új életet adni velem, kicsi, tiszta, huncutszemû életet. nem is tudom leírni, biztosan mindenki ezer szót tud, én is, de nincs ilyen, ami ide illene. igazán szerelmesnek lenni, a biztosan igaziba…minden perc valahogy szédülés, elveszni egymásban, eggyé válni, együtt lélegezni és szédülni, mint egy álomban… nem lehet leírni, olyan ritka csoda ez, hogy szavunk sincs rá, hiszen úgysem értenék… ez, azt hiszem ez volt igazán igazi az életemben. hozzád érni, téged ölelni, érezni, hogy ugyanezt érzed… a hangod, ahogy kiabálsz,sóhajtasz,zihálsz félig öntudatlanul amikor elveszünk egymásban amikor igazán eggyé válunk. aztán gödröcskéiden nyugszik meg a kezem, simogatlak, valahogy lebegünk egymástól ott az ágyban
eltûnsz. megijedsz. igazából attól, hogy mennyire szeretsz, azt hiszem. néha engem is megborzongat.
szólnék hozzád, ne vesz el, hiszen mindent megtaláltunk – már nem engeded. elzavarsz,bezárkózol, pedig csak szeretsz és félsz. egyre messzebb löksz. bántasz, hogy tûnjek el, mert annyira akarod, hogy veled legyek.
most én félek igazán, mert talán túl messzire rúgtál. pedig az volt az igazi karácsony amit mi álmodtunk.kiscipõ.istenem.
ennyi voltam én.

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